TAGR: Tak's Lament

Her long, silky hair touching those thin shoulders and her soft brown eyes watching me coldly,but not too coldly. I just had to love her. I just had to.

Buit how could she love me? I had never loved. Love did not last. Why waste time with it? But I just had to have this human, no matter what.

But even after our kiss, I wasn't satisfied. Lord, I wanted more. And that was what I got.

We had quite a night, I must confess. But, she slept on when I woke,and I had to leave. I tried to wake her, but she didn't come to right away.

I left without saying goodbye.

I didn't want to. I wanted to love that lovely, human female. But I could not.

I had to prove to Azra that I was not weak, or a defect. It was simple, I didn't tell him. And I hoped it would stay that way.

He thought me faithful and strong, and I needed that kind of respect to keep alive and well. 

But, no. My ankles became swollen and patchy, and headaches happened often.

It wasn't until zippers would not zip, and clothes began to stretch that I realized I was pregnant.

What was I supposed to do? How could I keep up my life? I even screamed at the very thought of stretch marks.

When Azra learned, he was so angry he could've killed me. 

"You bitch!" he had roared, hurling a lamp at me. "What were you thinking!?"
I managed to reason with him. If the child was a boy, he could be an extra servant, and pose as Azra's son. Azra was happy with that, for his mate couldn't bear children. Then, and only then, was i treated with respect. I started to feel more important than i actually was, after all, a child that would be the next adviser? what an honor. the next three months, i spent in happiness and pride.
Until the birth itself began.
Giving birth was a horrific, agonizing experience. the pain? Unimaginable. fear and tension, both of which the medics claimed they could prevent, were just dreadful. soon, after seven whole hours of contractions and screaming, i finally brought an incredibly tiny smeet into the world. To be honest, it looked more like a fat, green spider than a future Irken.
Needless to say, it was a disappointment to Azra and i both.
Because she was not a boy.
I called her Faye, though she begged to be named "Bia". Was that even a name? i had never heard of it before. Nevertheless, the child's name was Faye. Faye was a difficult child at the beginning. Always getting into things, asking needless questions, and annoying me constantly. Finally, one day, it happened. I snapped. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but i believe Faye must have skipped a chore, run her mouth off at me, or fooled around. Whatever the case, i screamed at her and slapped her little face. After that, she quieted. she did something wrong the next day, she was hit.
And then Azra picked up on it.
He scratched her, leaving scars and cuts on her face. every time i looked at the girl, i cringed. the cuts must have been painful, but i soon became used to seeing her with them. Soon, i had forgotten emotion. I had forgotten empathy, happiness, and love. and having forgotten those, I forgot Gaz. Faye's position as a daughter to me soon dulled. she was no longer my spawn, but some kind of maid or servant. And as such, I became her mistress. i was called "Mama" a few times, but other than that I was mistress.
And then it happened.
I was assigned to kidnap a smeet. Not just any smeet, Zim's smeet. This was my chance. Finally! revenge on the Irken that ruined my life. I couldn't have been more happy. The plan was put to work, and the child was kidnapped and placed in a cage. Soon, the father would come for the smeet, and he too would be jailed for his crimes.
There was just one little problem.
The smeet, Mech, as he was called, was to be executed. There were rumors he was defective, just like his father. I may have hated Zim, but putting his spawn to death was a little extreme.
Then, Azra told me i was to do it.
I was horrified. That was against the law! The child hadn't even been tested! When i tried to reason with him, he just slapped me and said i had to.
When i told him no, he posed a threat. And that threat was to kill Faye.
Almost instantly, my hard, cold, ungenerous heart shattered into a million pieces. Faye was my daughter, the only light i had left to hold on to, but i had only pushed her away. She was a pure and delicate flower, a flower that had been crushed, faded and ignored her whole life. I didn't appreciate her enough, in fact, i had hurt her! I didn't hate her now. Not after learning that I could lose her. I sobbed at the very thought seeing her lifeless and cold.
Azra left me alone to decide. It was either my smeet or Zim's. I was a horrible, sad excuse for a mother. An Irken, in fact. what was the matter with me?
Then, i heard that voice. that soft, childish voice whisper my name. Faye had heard me. She heard the whole conversation. And now, her eyes watched me sadly, her lower lip beginning to quiver. And then, it occurred to me. Faye looked like Gaz. she looked like an Irken, miniature Gaz. How had i failed to see that? Finally, I ran to her and hugged her tightly. I squeezed that tiny smeet more protectively than any mother had possibly ever hugged her child. It was absolutely wonderful to feel her hug back.
Soon, we both felt comfortable to talk to one another. That was when i told her the truth. I told her about Gaz, who she was, what she was and where she was from. Faye was saddened that she couldn't see her other parent, but i soon told her gently that if Zim were to forgive me, we could go back to Earth and find her.
That soon happened, but we haven't been able to find Gaz. Every night, i prayed that i could find her one day, that she could meet her daughter and that we would love again.
That hasn't happened, but still i hope.